February 6, 2007 | In: ceilalti, personal

why

why are you doing this??

i just can’t do it any other way..

i asked why are you doing it.. not why do you do it like this....

i can’t stand the pain anymore

and you think that everything is going to be much better because of your decision?..

i don’t think anything.. it wasn’t a rational impulse.. was just a scream.. my soul was screaming.. was screaming for a long time already.. i just couldn’t take it anymore

you know you produced allot of damage. don’t you?

i know.. i’m starting to realize that more and more each day.

and what are you going to do about it?.. you think everyone’s like you?.. when you don’t feel like it, everyone should do the same thing?..

i don’t know.. i don’t know.. there are way too many questions.. and so few answers..

why didn’t you go today?..

i wish i’d knew..

you regret it now don’t you?..

you might call it that way.. but you know.. in the evening all the hormons are free.. so.. maybe tomorow in the morning will seem like a good decision..

you feel?? or you hope??..

feelings.. hopes.. what’s the difference?..

i don’t know.. you tell me.

well.. you can’t be sure of one of them… i can be sure of my hopes.. but they are only hopes..

so, you’re telling me that you can’t be sure of your feelings??.. what kinda feelings are those if you can’t be sure of them??..

uncertain.. uncertain feelings.. or unwanted..

so.. how long is this ‘phase’ going to take?.

i don’t know. i feel like i’ve done some progresses but i don’t know how long it will take. i just hope it will be over some day.. soon.

it seems like you don’t really want this.. you are forced to do it..

well.. yeah.. i am forced to do it. how could i want it?.. how could anyone want something like this.. i don’t want anything like this.. for me, and most of it, for..

from what you’re sayin’ it seems like you’re more like masking everything than fixing it.. didn’t you always said that, you should fix the problem, and not adapt to it?..

adapting is the only way i know how to fix this problem.. i know it’s the wrong way, but i just hope that it will be better, some day.. for everyone..

it sounds like a populist speech.. “some day will be better for everyone”.. who do you think you’re fooling?..

myself.. i’m just trying to fool myself. because i’m sure of what i feel.. oh.. i can’t be more sure than that.. but i just know it will never let go.. so.. i’m just gonna make myself go away.. far away..

you always said that there is no part 2.. or if it is, it’s always worse then first part.. isn’t it?

yes, usually, there’s no part two.. i know where you’re heading with this question.. the point is that.. i don’t know where part 1 was.. did you see it.. ’cause i know i didn’t.

so what the hell is this all about if there’s no part 1??

funny ain’t it.. nothing happened.. but still something’s ending..

how does the ceiling look late at night??

scary.. for sure..

have you seen any mosquitoes or bugs lately?..

as a matter of fact i don’t remember seeing any lately..

so..what’s left?..

after checking the fridge.. ermm, one grapefruit, a lemon and a half, some exotic fruit cocktail,.. ermm some hair over my pillow, a chair next to the radiator, just ready for learning..

i can see the bed is not made.. what happened to your ‘perfect bed’??

it’s perfect as it is right now..

so.. as a final question.. why??

because i want everything.. i want something real and total.. something that nobody can give me right now.. i want stability, and confidence. simplicity and privacy. trust and real moments.. silence and peace… not particularly in this order..

vei lasa o usa deschisa “prin spate”.. poate vreodata?.. ..

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1 Response to why

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poison

February 7th, 2007 at 03:55

multumesc,Aurelian

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